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Letters from the Heart, Act IX

Lucien sat for a long while, trying to decide what to write and how to write it, staring down at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. He knew where she went. As distraught as he was when she said goodbye, he had been paying attention to what path she took. She was at the Temple of Rail. After some thought and much deliberation, he began.

Dearest Celesta,

I will not stop you if you need to leave Camille, my lady. Know that my heart goes with you if you do. I am deeply sorry that my confession of affection for you has troubled you. It was not my intent to confuse you or your heart in these matters. I blame myself for approaching you and telling you. I realize that in hindsight, I should have kept my feelings to myself, but I know that if I did not, I would have regretted not telling you for the rest of my life.

To be honest, I pray that you do not leave, but with everything that has been going on in your life as of late, perhaps time away with a few friends would be beneficial. With time away, I am sure you could relax and think things over. Perhaps even find yourself, as I am now trying to find my niche, my place in life with my own sojourn from my home…

I pray that this letter finds you well, and I pray that I hear from you. If not, I will trust in the Creator that this letter is delivered safely into your hands. I away the time you feel ready to return to Camille.

Your Servant,
Lucien

~

Dearest Lucien,

Just as this scroll arrived to my hands, yes safely, I found myself writing already to you as well. Your confession of feelings did not fall on deaf ears, but ears that had hoped to have heard those very words from you, albeit sooner.

When upon finally hearing them, I became focused as I had convinced myself that there was not a way that I would, my already indecisive heart, decided that Edgar perhaps would be a good choice for me. His sturdy and stable and believes he loves me so. Yet, impossible as this situation has become, I have come by way of prayer to realize that in Delray, where I come from originally, a woman was courted by several suitors at once, and it was up to her to decide.

I think Sir Roarke appealed to me, if not only momentarily, as for the shock factor. Who would have thought that such a vile man had a tender heart inside his cool exterior. I have been told that I were loved and adored many times, Sir Lucien, and I must confess in return this to you, you were the first one that made me believe it were really so.

Where does this now leave you in how you feel? I will become a laughing stock of Camille if I indeed do stay. Men have fought over me, I have made a mess of everything, and I have hurt the person closest to my heart.

I regret I myself did not come forth and say my feelings, it was not in my upbringing; however, dancing with you at the ball was and will be one of the most cherished of my memories, Sir Lucien. I will never forget it no matter whatever would care to happen to me.

The fact remains that neither of us did say anything and neither of us seem willing to come out into the open sunshine with our feelings and so I am left believing it were all just a wonderful, wonderful hallucination.

Should mine path lead me in the direction of courtship with Sir Edgar, please know that my tongue shall never stray a word of this to him of you. And also know, please, Dearest of Souls, that there is a place for you forever locked away in the realm of my most inner sanctum of my heart where you will be ruler and king for all time. For to have been loved by one such as you, is more blessing than all of the gods put together..

With great haste I remain.

Very truly yours,
Celesta.

~

My Lady Celesta,

If you want me to sing sonnets to you professing my love, I will. If you want me to lay down in the dirt for you to step on, I will. If you wait, I will wait. If you love, I will love. Say anything, and I will do whatever your heart desires. But if you feel you must leave, I will leave you be. I will speak nothing of what has happened between us and keep these most cherished of memories locked away in my heart forever and remember them only in my dreams.

If your path should lead you to Sir Edgar, I will not stop you. I have no place to tell you what you want or where your heart lies. Only a lady may have mastery over such things; however, know this: I will still love you. Even if you choose a man other than me, I will still love you, for you are the light that I need to light the candle that I hold firmly in my hand as I wonder about in my self-inflicted darkness. You will always have a place in my heart for all eternity, to my last breath, for I, too, have been blessed to have been loved by one such as you.

Always yours,
Lucien

~

After reading his letter, Celesta’s thought were now more confused than they ever were, and despite herself she smiled. Taking some time away seemed irrelevant when all you wished to do is run into the arms of the man you deem possibly the most wonderful of dreams; however, she took pen to paper and began.

Dearest Lucien,

As I thought my mind were set and accepting of my fate, I find that I no longer can contain my joy. Yet, my joy will be over shadowed by something greater still than openly admitting that we love one another. That would be hurting Edgar and putting a wedge between you two and the friendship you both have. Not to mention, more importantly still, the knighthood.

I have never been known for my wisdom, but I am certain of this one thing. I could not and would not allow a riff to be caused on my behalf. So, this leaves us both standing here stating we love on another and yet, still unable to act on it..

Part of me wishes to state that we throw caution to the wind and rush headlong into this situation we have created and let the chips fall where they may. But I know better, and you do, too. Much as it were, it falls into the hands of the way we were raised, do you not agree?

Time is what I need and what you need. You must reevaluate your feelings and so shall I. After my two weeks in the temples, then we should speak again and see what actions need to be taken.

Sincerely,
Celesta

~

Dearest Celesta,

After much deliberation and consideration after receiving your letter, I must admit: you are right. I do not want to loose my friend for almost a year and the one man who had faith in me to become a Knight of Noctura. He has wanted nothing more than to see me grow and attain my full potential. I have no desire to hurt Edgar with the knowledge that I love you. He has been distracted and distant as of late and I fear that telling him would make him a broken man.

I agree that we are responding to this situation to the way that we were raised. If this were a court of noble standing, I somehow do not see this as becoming such a huge mess, like a snowball rolling down hill and collecting more snow to become ever bigger; however, we are not at court and courtly etiquette will not keep us from feeling the backlash of our decisions if we choose to throw everything we value and love out of sight and out of mind and do as our hearts’ desire.

Time away form this seemingly disastrous situation does appear to be the best curse of action. I trust your word on this.

I cannot shake this feeling that you are leaving me, Celesta, heart of my hearts. If this holds true, know that I will always be here fro you for all eternity. NO matter where your road leads you, I am always here. All I care is that you are happy. Nothing else could matter more to me. Just let me see you smile once more instead of this eternal sadness that seems to cling to you like a dark cloud. Let me see the Celesta that I feel in love with once again.

I have no regrets, Celesta, my lady of dreams, save one: not telling you sooner of my desire, my caring, and my love for you. I shall always remember our time together and when we danced. Please remember me when you hear the song I sang to you on our last dance alone.

Always and Forever,
Lucien Roan

~

Dearest Lucien,

A soothing peace and calmness has come over me this day after reading your latest correspondence. I beseech you to look for a sign from me in the next dispatch. I fear that when I have decided to leave Sir Edgar that you will have already found love. I am going ahead with my courtship to him, much to my bittersweet chargin. On this joyous of times of holidays, I sit here and feel sad to mine very soul. This is a would that will not heal, kind sir. With you, dear Lucien, I am at a loss for the words that I feel will come. I have thought I was in love before, in the past, yet it is nothing to the feelings I am finding that have wracked me to the very fiber of my being.

Sir Edgar I am comfortable with and I am told by my elders that it’s a good match. I came rather close to interjecting that would it be a ‘good match’ if my feelings have changed and with almost a mind reading nature my elder told me to give it all time and see what happens.

Please do not put your life on hold, not for me. I will be enclosed within the walls of the temple and surrounded by only love and compassion. I need to heal. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. News of Sir Roark’s impending dual with Lord Bruce has reached my ears in here and I know without a doubt he offered the duel because of me. I am greatly saddened by this as well.

Be happy, Lucien. Be strong and true to your heart. That will be the greatest of gifts for me this Yule.

Sincerely,
Celesta

~

Dearest Celesta,

After I read the words you had to tell me, I felt my heart breaking, although…I feel strangely at peace. I can feel my heart bleeding, but I am calm. I shall do as you bid me and look for a sign from you in the next dispatch. I, too, feel as thought his would that I share with you will not heal, dear lady.

I have never loved anyone so blind, so strongly, so deeply as I have you. My soul sings when you are near and everything around me appears to be out of focus. I can think of none other than you; however, I know I must move on.

I will always do as you ask: I will not put my life on hold, as you say. Sir Edgar is a fine man, as I said before. I can think of none better.

I believe we both need time away. I will also be enclosed within walls, albeit in a different manner. I shall be staying with a friend. He is wise and knows what can sooth such heartaches as these.

I have also heard of Sir Roarke’s duel with Lord Bruce. I cannot help but wonder if perhaps he is needlessly throwing his life away on your behalf…

I will always be true to my heart, dear Celesta. All I ask of you is to be true to yours.

Ever Faithful,
Lucien

***

He could feel them drifting further and further apart from each other. He had this sense of foreboding in his heart and every time he thought about it, his stomach would clench. It had been weeks since he had last heard from her and he had sent out his letter. What could possibly be taking so long? Why wasn’t she responding? Didn’t she love him?

He still saw her here and there in the tavern. Every time he tried to talk to her, it was always this awkward silence between them. He always tried to tell her that he loved her, but the words never seemed to reach her. She would look everywhere but at him. So, he would just gaze somewhere out the window, his stare never fully resting on anything and yet seeing everything.

The foreboding he was feeling still hadn’t changed. He could still feel it. Why was he so tense? What could be causing this? He knew what it was, but he refused to think about it. But he couldn’t help but notice that those days with her were getting blurry.

He felt like a caged animal. There was nothing he could do. He was becoming more and more restless. The light he saw outside of that cage was just like the light he always saw her in. So beautiful. So bright. It would never touch him. Never. Not even if he tried his damndest.

All around him, the season was changing. Winter was becoming springs and he felt that the changing seasons would see his promise broken. He promised he would always be there for her, but he loved her. Even if he reached out with open arms and comforting hands, his heart would stay distant. He couldn’t allow himself to feel this way again. He couldn’t allow himself to tell the whole world hw he felt. It would ruin everything. His honor was at stake. He didn’t want to loose the one man that was his friend, even if h did take the woman he loved away from him.

So, why, then, did he always see her staring at the sky with blurry eyes? It was almost a if she was trying to remember something pleasant and didn’t want the memory to leave.

He saw her as she entered the tavern and he stood to his feet. He wasn’t sure why. He just needed to see her and he wanted to be sure that she saw him. He must have been insane. He felt that foreboding sense again. His stomach was clenching and he felt sick.

In the changing season, the one precious to him began to turn away and looked back at him with those eyes, those beautiful violet eyes, and sighed softly.

He sighed heavily and sat back down. His heart would stay forever distant.

Still, he waited as Celesta had instructed. He kept watch for the latest dispatch that would come out with a sign from her in it. He waited vigilantly an on the day that the boy on the corner of the street was handing them out, calling out that it was the latest edition, he picked one up, passing a silver piece to the boy without even looking.

He winded his way through the streets on the outskirts of Camille to Serenade Tavern. He nodded to those he knew and made his way over to the bar and sat down in his usual seat, nodding once again to Orichi standing behind the counter. He laid the paper down on the counter top and began flipping through it, carefully, studying each page for any sign from Celesta. Then, he saw it:

Dearest Keeper of mine Heart
It is with saddest of regrets we now part
Take with you all the memories you can hold
For I shall have the same after I have grown old
They will be kept stored away in a secret keep
I will visit them nightly while dreaming-fast asleep
You were the ray of sunshine that brightened my day
The sound of your sweet voice scared my fears away
How I long to touch you and feel the warmth of your skin
I want to shout it out “I love you!” but I do not know where to begin
Alone and separate we now must stand, yet bonded by heart
It is with heavy soul and saddened fate, I know we must depart
Keep this in mind for the rest of all time, to never regret, never hesitate
For if love finds you yet again, so you won’t ever be again-too late

-Anon

He knew it was from her. He could tell from the hints in the poem and from the way it was worded. He knew it was from her. He laid a shaking hand over the “I love you” and sat there for a long moment, staring down at the paper. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. He knew what this was: she was saying goodbye. He had hoped beyond all hope that perhaps she would just leave Edgar and they could go to some place far away where no one could find them and perhaps even find some small shred of happiness. But that was a wild hope. A fantasy. A pleasant reverie, lost in its own silence.

He thought for a moment, staring down at the words but not truly reading them. He at least had not regrets. He at least told her how he felt before it was much too late. At least he did that. He knew that if he hadn’t he would have wondered what she would have done or said, if she had any feelings for him at all. At least now he knew.

Lucien turned the paper sideways and began to rip, ever so carefully, the poem that Celesta had written to him out of the dispatch. He folded the parchment in half with gentle care. He sighed and stared down at the folded piece of paper, wondering what to do with it now. He could always burn it if he wanted to, but he had a feeling that he may regret that later. Instead, he tucked it away within the confines of his cloak and walked out of the tavern. His wandering feet brought him back to his home, the one that he had worked so hard to get and possibly present to Celesta if she had allowed him to court her.

He traveled up the stairs, his mind elsewhere. He continued on his way to his bedroom and walked over to the wardrobe that he had set aside for his ballroom clothes. He reached inside and pulled out a box, which contained all of the letters he had received from Celesta. He opened the box and placed the lid on the bed behind him, then withdrew the poem. He smiled faintly as he stared at it, then set id down gently atop the letters. He reached behind him for the lid and replaced it atop the box. With a heavy sigh, he put the box back in the far corner of his wardrobe and stood back.

No, there was no way he could get rid of all those letters. Not right now. He’d keep them for a while. Sentimental value, he supposed. He closed the wardrobe gently until he heard the door snick shut and walked back downstairs. At least he had no regrets.

 

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